My Home

Tell me again.

Tell me one more time

How do you want me to be?

Oh wait,

Who do you want me to be?

Uh-hu, I’m taking notes now.

What about my thoughts?

They need any brushing up?

My beliefs?

Are they equal enough to yours?

Hmm, got it.

Clothing. How should I dress?

Tell me again.

What size to wear.

What color is okay with your God.

 Anything else?

So you want me to be

A spit image of you.

Ohhh! Now I got it.

You want a world of yous.

And until then

“Don’t enter my house”.

You know what, dear boss?

You ain’t my house.

My house is where I am me.

My house is where I am celebrated,

With all of me.

My thoughts wont get changed.

By anyone but me.

My clothes will change

Once a day–

By me.

My beliefs will stay or mature.

But one thing I know

I will do that at my home.

My home

Where I am celebrated

Not just tolerated.

You- dear boss

Are not my home no more.

Disney Dear,

Disney Dear,

I am sorry we couldn’t be

The parents you needed us to be.

Disney dear,

I am sorry I couldn’t be

The mom you wanted me to be.

Know this,

Disney dear.

You deserve so much.

You deserve an ocean of love

A thunderstorm of kisses

And so many worldwide hugs.

Disney dear,

I am sorry that my imperfections

Kept me from giving you the love you so deserved.

Disney dear,

I am sorry

I couldn’t see you.

I am sorry

I couldn’t see-

Through you.

Through your slumped body.

Your begging eyes.

And through your lost soul.

Know this,

Any love you craved

And didn’t receive

Is not because there is anything

Not wholesome, beautiful, or perfect about you.

When I looked at you,

I saw myself.

When I touched you

I felt my inner child kicking.

See, your neediness triggered me,

Dear Disney.

But, that is on me.

You are perfect, whole, and complete.

I couldn’t love you Disney

Like you deserve.

I truly you will get that love

Like you deserve.

There now stands an empty space

Where you once were.

Our home won’t be the same

Without your presence.

Disney Dear,

Thank you for being our teacher

This summer.

I am a Survivor!

I am a survivor.

Now stop doubting me.

Stop denying me.

I am a survivor.

I want to dance sometimes.

And sob at other times.

I am a survivor.

I can talk today

And shut you up tomorrow.

I am a survivor.

An everyday survivor.

Every minute survivor.

I am a survivor.

Day in and day out.

• Weekends too.

I am a survivor.

My pain doesn’t disappear.

It resurfaces.

Over and over again.

I am a survivor

I am survivor of life.

I am a survivor of a lifetime.

I am a survivor.

At least for today.

I am a survivor.

So don’t you question me.

And stop doubting me.

I am a survivor.

At least for today.

I am a survivor.

The Joys of Life

5 joyful things today!

1. My dog, my cutest dog. He follows me wherever I go. Sometimes it annoys me, other times it delights me. He cares about me and loves me so much that he follows me wherever I go.
2. Bed bath and beyond. I enjoy looking at nice thing even if I don’t buy anything. When I will be rich… I will get a new set of dishes and more decorative things for my house. The thing is though, I enjoy being a so called “minimialist”. So do I actually want stuff, or do I want just what brings me joy. Whats if stuff bring me joy? How do I know if something new brings me joy, before I brought it home? These are thoughts I ponder. For now, I enjoyed just strolling the store and admiring nice things.
3. Right now, I am sitting at home, dishes washed, listening to music, and inhaling essential oil smells. This is the definition of joy to me.
4. At the pharmacy today, I saw a scrubbing soap which delighted me. Usually being on the cheap side, I didn’t want to buy it at first. However, lately I am learning how to spend more money on myself in regards to luxuries rather than just essentials. I am proud of myself that I was able to do that today.
5. Yoga. Oh the joys of yoga. And the joys of yoga when your pet takes over your mat 😉 nothing like it. Why does yoga connect me so? It just does. That’s the plain and simple truth of it. Yoga is so joyful for me. It can make me dance for years. Come to think of it, I think my body wants some movement now. The joys. The joys of life.

What is joy for you, my friend?

Dear Abandonment

It was a bandaid.

Just a bandaid.

It hurt more though.

More than going to hell and back.

It was just a bandaid though.

Removing it.

Removing it is what killed me.

Or I thought it did.

I’m still here.

After going through hell and back

And hell and back again.

But removing the bandaid hurts.

It screams

And kicks

And sobs.

The screams though.

Those screams are from

Years of abandonment.

Years of it.

Dear abandonment,

What is it that I haven’t learned yet?

Dear abandonment,

Just bring it on once and for all.

Dear abandonment

I cannot do hell no more.

Dear abandonment

You’ve removed the bandaid

It freakin kills.

Dear abandonment.

Your lesson will be learned this time

Promise.

Just promise me,

Last time you show your face, is now.

Dear abandonment

I am stronger and more resilient now.

Dear abandonment

I choose to create a new trajectory for me.

Dear abandonment

I love me and I won’t ever leave me.

Happy now?

Your Voice, Your Loud Voice

Know that your voice is loud.

Magnificent.

And worth hearing.

Know that–

Not one being-

Not one being in this world

Can shut

Your flame.

Oh, that wild and blazing fire

Of yours.

They can’t stop it.

Speak your truth

Loved one.

Speak.

Until you can speak no more.

And when you doubt yourself

Beautiful,

Remember this day of triumph.

Remember the day

You spoke

With a quivering

Yet mighty voice

Gaining strength

Moment by moment.

Remember this day, love.

When your voice forgets,

Remember this day.

Garden of Eden

I stood in a field

Of flowers.

Beautiful flowers

All of the same make.

They looked so glorious

All standing next to each other.

They surrounded me

And smiled

And laughed.

I laughed back.

Started running

With the flowers.

On our run

We spoke.

Is this what Garden of Eden looks like?

Fields and fields of flowers?

Is this what I can expect

After years and years of work.

Fields and fields

Of gorgeous and magnificent

Sunflowers?

How about the

Red, orange, and white flowers?

Oh, and those spring, pink, sparkly trees?

Is this what I can expect

In the Garden of Eden?

Share with me your secrets, beautiful blossoms.

I didn’t know you can be as beautiful as this.

I didn’t know you contained the possibility

Of spreading so much love and light.

I look forward to Eden, gorgeous flowers.

Perfection Itself

It’s interesting

How when I center myself

For one split of a second,

I know

I so know

That all I am

Is perfection itself.

There are no

I am not good enoughs.

There are no

Comparing myself to others.

There are no

I am not worth its.

In that split second

When I am grounded on my mat

I know

I so deeply know

That I am worth

Way more than I can ever imagine.

Because you see

If I see myself

As how I look to others

I don’t recognize the essence of my beauty.

And if I think that all I am is my personality

I judge everything about it.

And If I believe

That what I am

Is how much I do

Then I don’t understand that all this doesn’t matter.

What matters is who I am.

Who I am

Is a divine.

Enormous.

Magnificent,

Delightful,

Peaceful

Gorgeous

Soul.

Nice to meet you too.

Die, monster

Die! 

You should die

With all the insanity in you

Die!

With all the dysfunction you’ve caused

Die!

Take it all with you

Down to the grave

And die.

But you wont

Huh.

You won’t just die.

You are committed to

Everyone dying along with you.

You’ve ruined earth

You have ruined the planet.

The pain you have caused

Is enough to make you die.

You can’t just die though;

Die- with all the pain

In the world.

Die!

With all the anguish

You’ve caused everyone

Times that – one billion

For all generations after that.

For all generations

Who will question

Their existence,

Their holiness,

Their purity.

Die! You monster

Die!

Apparently you don’t care

So Was Her Life

She died

Without knowing

How beautiful she was.

Her body

Her soul.

Everything about her.

She thought she was

Damaged.

She thought she wasn’t

Perfect.

She didn’t know

It was enough

Her just being her.

She thought she

Deserved

All the abuse

She endured.

She thought it was okay

For men to take advantage of her.

She didn’t get to see

The beauty of life.

She wasn’t privileged

To know

Glorious humans.

I grieve her life today.

And I grieve the lives of women

Who have died

Not knowing

Their worth.

Not knowing

The absolute beauty of their existence.